(what’s up guys, you are now listening to, uh, floorshit headrest)
i’m so sick of writing my code
accomplish more? accomplish nothing.
if i were split in two i would not take my hands
so i can’t write out any more C
you have no right to get a first
you haven’t tried hard enough to program
ANSI-Ceen enough of year 1 yet
but it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
delete your file and try again
jamie wants to cause you pain
he wants you to fail your coursework
but you close your work, you close your work, you close it
close my work, i close my work, i close it
i’ve known for a long time
i’m not getting what i want out of twycross
it took me a long time
to figure out i wanna to use strings
you ask why, and there’ll be no pointer
then you’ll ask for how long, and there’ll be no pointer
then you’ll ask what can i do? and there’ll be no pointer
and eventually you’ll use google
you have no right to get a first
you haven’t tried hard enough to program
ANSI-Ceen enough of year 1 yet
but it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
delete your file and try again
jamie wants to cause you pain
he wants you to fail your coursework
but you close your work, you close your work, you close it
close my work, i close my work, i close it
i get signs from the mentors
saying stay the fuck down
i get signs from lab helpers
saying stay the fuck down
i get signs from from Steve
saying stay the fuck down
i have a right to get a first
i’ve given every inch i had to fight it
memory leaks in all of my code, yes
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
but i’ll open up valgrind
in my VM terminal
i’m just trying to do my coursework
i won’t close my work, i close my work, i close it
close my work, i close my work, i close my work, i close my work
i close my work, i close my work, i close my work
and half the time i want to coursework
and the other half i can’t do coursework
for the past year, i’ve been reading all the emails
that kai has sent, on the moodle page
i stop and i code for a couple of days
but hey, requirements change, everyday
i don’t need to learn CSS
i’m just in it to get full marks
it’s almost a point of pride
they say that it doesn’t happen that often?
semester 1. semester 1. semester 1. semester 1.
i find it harder to code
when VS Code’s my editor
in your preferred Unix terminal
you can install playwright
and its dependencies and browsers
i haven’t used chrome in years
i prefer WebKit
they got a portrait of graham
on the wikipedia page
for the haskell language
well, he did write our textbook
yeah, he did write our textbook (x4)
i don’t write my notes
(i don’t have the time)
i pour myself a drink
(read an email from kai)
i’ve tried my coursework
(you know i’ve tried)
i don’t know supabase
(i don’t know javascript)
some kids in the lab
(someone’s calling the cops)
someone tell the discord
(mentors make it all stop)
my code is public
(on github pages)
now i am cronning my job
now my coursework is done
(now my coursework is done)
now my coursework is done
if i’m being honest with myself
i haven’t done coursework by myself
it must be hard to type, in a functional language
such as haskell (x6)
i find it easier to sleep
(and half the time i want to coursework)
when i’ve spent my whole day in the lab
(and half the time i want to coursework)
and half the time i’m like this
they’ll send in jack, captain hat
(i don’t have the time)
(read an email from kai)
(you know i’ve tried)
(i don’t know javascript)
(someone’s calling the cops)
(mentors make it all stop)
(github pages)
(now my coursework is done)
i don’t write my notes
(i don’t have the time)
i pour myself a drink
(read an email from kai)
i’ve tried my coursework
(you know i’ve tried)
i don’t know supabase
(i don’t know javascript)
some kids in the lab
(someone’s calling the cops)
someone tells the discord
(mentors make it all stop)
my code is public
(on github pages)
now i am cronning my job
now my coursework is done
I am typing out in Python
In a lab that isn’t mine
My output isn’t clear
Should not have skipped that last lecture
It’s more work than you bargained for, but it’s a few less marks than what you paid for
My matrix isn’t echelon, my HDMI hangs limp on my laptop
Tell the Creamers I’m not going home, I have been destroyed by Ulrik Buchholtz
Tell the Dreamers I’m not going home, I have been destroyed by Ulrik Buchholtz
These guys I kinda hate are here
Shouldn’t have had that last… Whoo! Entire block of cheese!
AAAA, AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA, AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA, AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA, AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA, AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA, AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA
What happened to me in semester 1, who smiled so much and loved to Python?
What happened is I scaled that fucker and I took his swaps, and I row reduced him!
Tell Jason Atkin I’m not going home, I have been destroyed by Ulrik Buchholtz
Tell Graham Hutton I’m not going home, I have been destroyed by Ulrik Buchholtz
i get to merge branches every weekend, and now i’m weak.
coursework feels good when i pretend it’s the last one, then i wait a week and i have another one
last friday i learnt to code in Java
i did not transcend, i felt like it was just Python 3
with stupid curly braces
i walked around the lab, and felt like i was in sodom
there were stinky people seeking showers for their bodies
it was so obscene
filled with loathing for BetterLandlordLettings
i looked at my friends merge request for an hour and said to just “push to main”
and then i saw Max
and he said
“Who are you, to go against the word of git standards?” and
“Who are you, the scum of the lab”
no, we are just, we are just, we are just, doing ISE
oh, we are just, we are just, we are just, doing ISE
there were people running tests
there were people failing tests
they were changing the test plan right before my eyes
and i said “approve” a lot (approve)
and there was one guy there who kept asking me
“how is your code?”
and i didn’t even know how to begin to answer that question
so i just said “i’ve started the markdown”
so there i was, just another shitbag student
afraid of the geese when i was outside
afraid of teammates when i was inside
and i grew tired of ISE
and then Max showed up
and he was like
“Who are you, to go against the word of git standards?”
yeah, it goes “Who are you, the scum of A32”
oh, we are just, we are just, we are just, doing ISE
no, we are just, we are just, failing ISE
yes, we are just, we are just, we are just, we are just, victims of dodgy code
and now everybody, everybody, everybody’s fixing their dodgy code
let’s do it together, it goes
code is better, code is better with
friends are better, friends are better with
code is better, code is better with
friends are better, friends are better with
code is better, code is better with
friends are better, friends are better with
code is better, code is better with
friends are better, friends are better with
code is better than friends
are better than code
is better than friends
are better than code
is better than friends
are better than code
is better than friends
are better than code
is better than-
code is better, code is better with
friends are better, friends are better with
code is better, code is better with
friends are better, friends are better with-
i have nothing but exams
i need coursework, that would save my grades
i know when i’m being catered to
i’ve paid to be catered to
i will so settle for slop from the atrium
hello jason, we’ve known each other for a long time
we have reason to believe that semester 2 is better
but did you ever get the feeling, that the mentors are just lying?
well, neither have i! i can’t wait to code reversi!
good students, they get good grades
do the labs, do their coursework, it’ll work itself out
it’s java
(it’s java!)
it’s haskell
(it’s haskell!)
programming paradigms
(programming paradigms!)
well, attend the lectures
there’s still theory too
i’ve been waiting all my life
i’ve been waiting for list, comprehensions
syntactic sugar
list generators
i’d like to make haskell encode something
i feel so empty trying to explain this
his name is haskell curry
he’s from last century
and when i wake up in the morning
alex cooper’s sleeping on my couch
well, i’ll have something to say about that one
freed memory in semester 1
let go of ARM
let go of C
but if i let go of that
what will still be here?
will i find out
that i hate Java too?
One of the key features of GHCi is its ability to load and execute Haskell scripts. Users can load source files, test functions, and run entire programs directly within the environment. This capability is particularly useful for quick testing and debugging.
Speaking of debugging, GHCi provides robust debugging tools. Developers can set breakpoints, inspect variables, and step through code, making it easier to identify and fix issues. Additionally, the :type command allows users to query the types of expressions and functions, aiding in understanding Haskell’s type system and ensuring type correctness.
Did everyone get that? No? Eduroam must be down.
When I started out programming, I used Haskell; you know, just to feel something.
In the Broadgate Code Dungeon
Jamie’s linked lists are a mess
I couldn’t get my nodes to free
I left pointers somewhere in the mess
I write my code, in plateaus
One month later, I’m a ANSI pro
Steve Bagley would be proud
Or fall asleep, in the lab
Forget what happened in the lecture
There are notes in my handwriting
But I can’t make them out
We are not proud students
We are not proud at all
We’re just trying, I’m only trying
To write C, Floorshitters, Floorshitters
This is not good coursework
I hate Jamie’s library
I want it to go away
It’s not okay, Floorshitters, Floorshitters
It’s too late to begin your coursework
Your empty C file
You share the same mark as the teammates you hate
You built your code up against Jamie’s library
And it left you feeling empty as a goose flying downhill
I have become such an awful programmer
It was all just an act
My knowledge has been stripped away
But if we learn how to code in C
Maybe we start to program again
Like a child who’s never wrote code
Who hasn’t taken that first step
We are not proud students
We are not proud at all
We’re just trying, I’m only trying
To write C, Floorshitters, Floorshitters
Put the work out of your mind
And forget your code
There’s no comfort to be found in ANSI C
Floorshitters, Floorshitters
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
Jamie T, Jamie T
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
Steve Bagley, Steve Bagley
Here’s that voice in your head
Writing your code again
But you know he loves you
And he doesn’t mean to lose you marks
Please listen to him, it’s not too late
Turn off your laptop
Get out of the lab and start to walk
Steve Bagley, Steve Bagley
Steve Bagley, Steve Bagley
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
Jamie T, Jamie T
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
It doesn’t have to be like this
Steve Bagley, Steve Bagley
Ahh
Bagley, ahhh
Bagley, ahh, yeah, yeah
Ahh
Bagley, oh oh oh oh oh
(i never thought i’d have to learn C but)
(i never thought i’d have to learn C but)
no one should ever
have to learn
ANSI C
i steer clear of Strings
they are not here
in my 1005 module
no one should ever have to learn ANSI C
comp. sci. teen dream dies in university
leaves behind a laptop and a blåhaj from ikea
the test code of my reversi
changed to use my controller
i’m taking back my heart
jason’s digging a hole for it six feet deep
(at uni park, at uni park)
i didn’t want you to see
the errors in code
my pain is my own
and when my code won’t compile
i’ll cry walking home
i’ll cry walking home
you and me were, recorded now
we were in one lecture and we don’t even look happy
i can’t commit to a branch to commit to
i need to get that done by the next lab session because
when i split the scene, leave the lab session early
what am i leaving behind me
unfreed memory, another laptop
it ain’t no blåhaj from ikea
something is ringing
jetbrains is refusing to compile
for me
i didn’t want you to see
the errors in code
my pain is my own
and when my code won’t compile
i’ll cry walking home
i’ll cry walking home
i didn’t want you to see
the errors in code
my pain is my own
and when my code won’t compile
i’ll cry walking home
i’ll cry walking home
don’t program, i’m coding for two
so don’t program, baby
don’t program, i’m coding for two
so don’t program, baby
what a glorious hell we have found until i recognise the sound
of steve’s voice again
for years i hadn’t had a clue, but suddenly i can look through
assembly again
this isn’t sex, i don’t think
i just approve merge requests
that’s not my code, i never pushed
but could you still rate me 3
they say it’s semester 1
but if it’s semester 1 how come steve never comes round anymore
i guess he broke his arm
well, everyone learns to program dijkstra’s
but girl, you find paths like you’re peter hart
so find your heuristic; let me back in
to your
it’s some unforgiving work
but steve’s not an unforgiving man
it’s some unforgiving work
but steve’s not an unforgiving man
welcome to the a* algorithm
find the shortest path
my search’s not optimal
my heuristic has become greedy
it moves and
it hops and
it’s on a path that leads towards the end node
baby my search is so good these days, that if i showed you code by steve, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference
oh, steven
you know you’ve got to be forgiving with coursework like this
it’s a big task
and you know we’re going to get memory leaks sooner than later, steve i know you know
alright, now listen steve
i’m only going to say this once
i just gotta make something-
i just gotta make sure of something
i feel like we both know it
i just wanna ask
we’re searching right
this is a search, isn’t it?
well, everyone learns to program dijkstra’s
and you’re not the only one who’s using C
so give me a sign that my while loop is complete
it’s some unforgiving work
but steve’s not an unforgiving man
(that’s it, no more memory leaks)
(fuck you)
if you really wanna get a first
you should commit your work to gitlab
you could sit down in the lab at last
and get your work completed
and if you really don’t want the pain
you could make some local backups
because gitlab’s not up anyway
and you’ve got deadlines to work towards
if you really wanna fall asleep
then you’ll have to lose some marks
and if you wanna ride it out to the end
you can stay in the lab all night
and if you really wanted to be kind
you’d have asked for help in git issues
and if really wanna know how kind you are
just ask yourself why you coding in bed alone
i know you wish your branch would merge
i love you but can’t fix your conflicts
and of course i’m alright to fail
but why you talk about it so goddamn much?
i will get a first, you won’t get a first
i will get a placement, i won’t see you there
i will get a first, you won’t get a first
i will get a placement, i won’t see you there
i will get a first, you won’t get a first
i will get a placement, i won’t see you there
i will get a first, you won’t get a first
i will get a placement, i won’t see you there
if you really wanna get a first
it’ll come at the price of doing nothing else
this guy, he was so drunk
i asked my friend to lie him down
“get him to sleep”
“can you get him to sleep for me?”
and if you really wanna make the change
then you would do coursework exclusively
but if you just want it to be okay
it will never be okay
i will get a first, i will get a first
i will get a first, i will get a first
i will get a first, i will get a first (Fuck)
i will get a first (Fuck), i will get a first (Fuck you)
i will get a first, i will get a first (Fuck)
i will get a first (Fuck), i will get a first (Fuck you)
i will get a first, i will get a first (Fuck)
i will get a first (Fuck), i will get a first (Fuck you)
now you gotta change addresses again
if they knew where the creamhouse was, it’d be on google
landlord’s knocking on your door
chair cannon out the window with fannon in it
and if you don’t coursework tonight
you will never call it your course again
and if you need some peace and quiet
there is room for all in SPC
i will get a first, you won’t get a first
i will get a placement, i won’t see you there
i will get a first, you won’t get a first
i will get a placement, i won’t see you there
i used to like my mondays
i survived another week
walk to the lecture in the morning
see the geese swimming in the water
now i wake up on the monday
and all the patience is drained out of me
i spend hours just thinking
about how much i miss ANSI C
if only i could complete my coursework
requirements grow longer and longer
kai emails me at 4 with new changes
shakes off all my hard work, and i fail my module
i stay up late every night
my bloodstream filled with caffeine
but with no javascript for me to write
i blankly stare at my screen
and maybe you’d think
i’d learnt from nazia
but not this time
i’m failing kai’s coursework
If only i could complete my coursework
Requirements grow longer and longer
Kai emails me at 4 with more changes
Shakes off all my hard work, and i fail my module
And if i’ve lost marks for good, could there have been any other way?
Was my database down for weeks, or did my Cronjob pause for a day?
I’m going to bed now, I’ve sunk into my sorrows
And it’ll take three hundred million emails to wake me up tomorrow.
I won’t go down with a first, I will put my laptop away and surrender.
There will be no degrees upon my wall, I have failed and it is all Kai’s fault
It was an expensive mistake
It was an expensive mistake
I revised for my A Levels to get me here
I have my Edexcel’s blood on my hands for no reason
But what was I supposed to do?
How was I supposed to know how to use JavaScript?
How was I supposed to know how to use Supabase?
How was I supposed to know how to use GitHub Pages without committing misconduct?
How was I supposed to know how to centre a div?
How was I supposed to know how to make a form?
How was I supposed to know to reset my database, after I filled it with test data?
How was I supposed to know to not get drunk every Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and why not Sunday?
How was I supposed to know how to write JavaScript?
How the hell was I supposed to write JavaScript?
It was an expensive mistake.
You can’t say you’re sorry and give your loan back.
I was given a module that is falling apart.
My grades are falling apart.
I was given an IDE that can’t autofill itself.
I was given a test file that can’t mark itself.
What about an extension to feel good?
I revised for my A Levels to get me here.
And how was I supposed to know?
And Kai won’t forgive me, and Steve won’t forgive me
Not unless I write Playwright tests
And how am I supposed to do that
When I go to A32 every night
And sit in the same chair every night
The same fucking chair
With the Lenovo ThinkStations and the monitors
And the fluorescent lights make me feel like I’m dying
This lab is too familiar
How many nights have I spent here?
How many nights have I spent?
I give up
I give up
Let us take you back to when we came in
We were united, an undivided cohort
We got divided, it was someone outside us
And it was Kai
We were so naive, we were just first years
Told what to learn by conveners who took control
We had to learn more, but that was normal
‘Cause our course is one of survival
The coursework we wrote, if you can call it writing
With placements on the line it’d be career suicide to change your mind
So we got mad and we told mentors
And a one week extension caused more uproars
It’s the new economy
We have nothing to offer and we blame Kai Xu
I give up
I give up
Let us take you back to where you came in
A man clinging to his laptop screen
So scared of answering emails, he started crying
“Do not ask me”
Stopped in the lecture, students questioned him
Chances of a Supabase lecture growing thin
They told the mentors, who went and helped
He put the slides onlines
He was disturbed at the conclusions that it led to
The whole department hates the teaching of Kai Xu
And so though he made fun of us
He has now become one of us
I give up
I give up
I give up
I give up
I give up
I give up
I give up
And I wake up trembling
From the dream where finished all my coursework
I reach out for my MacBook Pro
More emails, more emails, more emails.
little boy says how do you use a lambda
little boy says how do you use a monad
little boy says how do you code in Haskell
little boy is told not to code anything wrong
when i pass i’ll be taken to the next years discord
have a drink relax, you’re now a mentor
this is mark fannon this is nishi
this is samay and this is qiang
that’s leobattle but no burger nathan
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says jason
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says graham
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says jason
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says graham
i write coursework in utter isolation
i refuse to commit misconduct
little boy says i’ll touch in my terminal
little boy says i want to make an empty file
when i pass i’ll be taken to the next years discord
have a drink relax, you’re now a mentor
this is Oli this is Mayukhi
this is Will and this is Sammy
i just met him, no, that’s the other Samay
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says jason
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says graham
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says jason
“i know that it’s a lot to remember” says someone
you won’t code what you want to code there
nobody will want to teach you swift
you’ll have to learn mobile dev on your own
spend a little time on stack overflow
little boy says how do you use a lambda
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
Fuck off Steve
I saw a Goostman, named Eugene
You know his pet is so crazy, you would not believe
It has big brown eyes, it fights for his rights
I’m not a biologist, I didn’t know it was a rat or not
Took out my hand, with my ballpoint in it
Finished my exam, there was no Eugene Goostman
Then the weather changed, it started to rain
I am a first year student, cycling down Beeston Lane